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The drag mothers of Los Angeles

Episode Summary

Drag is one of the most beloved traditions in the LGBTQ+ community — but it's more than just flash and glam. We look into the drag mothers who help the culture thrive.

Episode Notes

Drag culture is one of the most iconic forms of expression within the LGBTQ community. For outsiders looking in, drag culture looks fun and flamboyant. But for lots of queens, it’s about so much more than the flashy fun. It’s about family.

Today, we dig deep into drag, specifically drag mothers who keep the culture afloat and show us what family can be for some in the LGBTQ community.

Read the full transcript here.

Host: Times producer Ashlea Brown

More reading:

All hail the drag queens raising L.A.’s tight-knit families

Essential California: A drag laureate for West Hollywood?

How drag has changed the face of art, fashion, and beauty

Episode Transcription

Gustavo: Hey, what’s up, it’s Gustavo Arellano... And today, we continue our Pride Month coverage about queer people around the world and how they build and find pride in their communities. Drag culture happens to be one of the most important parts and instrumental parts of the LGBTQ+ fabric. And despite their contributions to freedom of expression, this week, a Texas lawmaker introduced a bill to ban kids from seeing drag shows.

Homeboy obviously never saw any Bugs Bunny cartoons, man. Today, one of my producers, Ashlea Brown, brings us a story that celebrates drag moms raising families across LA. Enjoy.

Rhea: My family didn't shun me away. I just like, pushed them away, did my own thing, came to LA and became a superstar. You know, because it was somewhere that I wanted to be, not somewhere I had to be.

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Ashlea: That’s one of LA’s drag mothers, Rhea Litre. Drag culture is one of the most iconic forms of expression within the LGBTQ community. For outsiders looking in, drag culture looks fun and flamboyant. 

But for lots of Queens, it's about soooo much more than the flashy fun. 

It's about family.

Rhea: So, I love my family, but I really, really didn’t understood what family was when I met my children. 

Ashlea: She's referring to her new found drag children who became members of her drag house: House of Litre. Drag houses are often glittery households supporting drag queens or queer folks in their different mediums.

BEAT 

Ashlea: I'm Ashlea Brown. You're listening to THE TIMES, daily news from the LA Times. It’s Friday, June 10th, 2022.

BEAT 

Today, we dig deep into drag, specifically drag mothers who keep drag culture afloat and show us what family can be for some in the LGBTQ community.

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Ashlea: Manuel Betancourt is a Los Angeles based film critic and writer who covers queer culture. Manuel, welcome to The Times. 

Manuel: Thank you for having me.

Ashlea: So Manuel, drag mothers. Who are they? And what's their role in drag culture? 

Manuel: Originally I had this idea that a drag mother was, basically the first person to put you in drag. This is normally how I understood what a drag mother was. // If they helped you put in your lashes and your makeup and that first night that you went to perform, they were a drag mother ‘cause they brought you into the world as a drag queen. The label is a lot more fluid and a lot more expansive. // They are a caregiver, they are a mentor, they are someone who are going to help you with your drag performance, but they also offer an ear, or a couch, or a bed, or maybe a couple of bucks and a lot of encouragement. And they really are nurturing and mothering an entire generation of kids who may not have found support network anywhere else.

Calypso: So I started working at Rage. I was hosting Thursday nights and doing like a little show, people were starting to approach and be like, “Oh my God, can you mentor me?” 

Manuel: When I started doing research for this piece, one of the names that kept popping up was Calypso, Calypso Jete Balmain. And everyone said, you just need to talk to her. She's the kind of figure that // belongs also to the ballroom world. And so she dips her toes in both of those different cultures.

Calypso: I started mentoring some people because I was a good dancer. I would like, help them with their dance and their thing. And then as time went on, I started to get, like, my drag child.

Manuel: For those of you who recently watched the latest regular season of RuPaul's Drag Race, Kornbread is part of the house of  and it was part of that family.

Kornbread clip: The snack is back y'all, it's Kornbread, the snack Jete. 

Manuel: She is mother Jete of the house of Jete and // I heard a lot of people say that Calypso is mothering, it's so natural and it's very personal and natural to her. 

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Manuel: Another queen…Metaworld, // was actually looking for a mother and actually wanted that for themselves. Metaworld created the House of Piss, which is the name already tells you there's a sense of cheekiness and a sense of gridness that comes with it. Metaworld, describes themselves as a goth-girl-goes-to-Tokyo, even though when they first started doing drag, the way they thought of their aesthetic and their personality was a drunk suburban mom on Xanax, which I do love as a description. And they really stumbled into becoming a drag mother. 

Metaworld Piss: I learned from my own mom to protect my kids. And I don't know why, like I saw myself, like, I just felt like I had to do something. 

Manuel: She kept finding people who needed the caregiver and who needed a support network. And who needed someone who just was going to be there and encourage them. And so she created the house of Piss //  with her partner, Angry Baby. And they really focused on nurturing one another and really supporting each other's mental health especially. 

Metaworld Piss: A lot of the reason why I also took them in is because they were being attacked online for no reason. For breathing. It was so weird. So things are gross. 

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Ashlea: Having that support network is so important, but I'm wondering do all drag houses have drag mothers?// 

Philip Hurt: I come from a very, I guess, Mexicans and like cultural background. So for me, the word “mother” carries a lot.

Ashlea: And that’s Philip Hurt, another LA drag queen who started the house of Nacas, right? 

Manuel: So they were also someone who were referred to me and I reached out to them and they said, “Hey, I'm working on this piece on drag mothers and your name came up.” And they were telling me about their House of Nacas, which again is also very nitty and very gritty. But then they said, “I actually don't see myself as a drag mother. I don't particularly respond to that label. I actually wanted to create the House of Nacas as a house for the motherless.”  

Philip Hurt: To me, I feel like a mother is someone you owe your existence to someone who you owe absolutely everything to. So, although I do take all of these queens under my wings, I consider NACA family. All of us are each other's adopted sisters because I wouldn't want to place that level of them owing me anything because they are their own individual talent, they are their own individual people. I'm just here to support them and just completely help in any way that I can to push their talent and their careers further. 

Manuel: But then the nurturing that he kept describing and the way that he was opening up this space and he was opening up a community and building these relationships and these dynamics with these other queens and these other people around him is a kind of mothering. And so it was fascinating to sort of see that sort of back and forth where some people really latched on to that motherhood label and tried to explode it or try to own it. And then someone else who is maybe going through the same kind of motions, but was very wary of wanting to// really inhabit that label and that concept. 

Ashlea: And I think it's really that sense of finding a community that will be there for you is what helps people feel like they can really navigate this crazy thing we call life. And I mean, you mentioned it with Metaworld Piss earlier, that before becoming a drag mother herself, she was looking for that. So how exactly can someone go about becoming a drag child? Like how do they find a drag mother? 

Manuel: Yeah. I think as with a lot of the relationships that //we create within queer culture is a lot of happenstance. There's not really a template and there's not really a sort of number one way of doing it. All of these conversations that I had with these mothers, some of them happened because they were performing together and they were like “Hey, I think I could learn from you. Can it be your drag mother?” Others would say, “If you're already asking me// if I want to be your drag mother, that means I'm not going to be your drag mother, because that is not something my kid would do.” But for example, I remember Rhea Litre, they were talking about how they first became enamored with drag when they were going to the clubs when they were 19 out here in Riverside, in California. And they were just mesmerized by this one queen and they followed her and saw their performances. And they did that thing where they went up and was like, “Hey, I think I want to do this. And I think you would be a great drag mother for me,” and the queen said... 

Rhea: All right. Here's your checklist of things that you need. 

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Rhea:  You need your own mascara. You need your own lashes. You need your own foundation color. You need to go get your own heels. And so I came back to LA. I did my whole checklist. And I get back to her house the next week. And she started, she paints me, and I see myself in the mirror for the first time. And I was like…you couldn't tell me anything. I felt so beautiful and she looks at me, she goes, “What number are you performing tonight?” And I was like, I’m not… “Um, first time I'm wearing heels. What are you talking about?” She's like, “Well, I entered you  into the amateur competition tonight and if you win, you get to be my drag daughter.”

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Manuel: The performance was fantastic. So then the queen finally said, “I think I'm going to be your drag mother.” And then another queen showed up and said, “I just saw you on the stage. And I want to be it.” And the way Rhea tells a story, they don't disclose the names because the punchline is that the two queens, that then wanting to be that drag mother, after having helped them. And then the other having seen them performing were Mayhem Miller and Raja, who, again for fans of RuPaul's Drag Race, these are two legendary Queens, known by their talent and their beauty and just that their charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. So, the reason I think Rhea loves telling the story is because there are two ways of becoming a drag kid. It's like ones you ask, you do everything, or you just find someone that has your same energy and you look at them and you say, “You, I want to nurture you. I want to make you the best drag queen you can be. I want to make you the best person you can be.” Because, in these relationships, those two things are wholly intertwined that it's not just about investing in the drag queen. It's about investing in the person behind the drag. 

Ashlea: Yeah. Taking the time to help someone, teach them, mold them is really investing a lot of time, so I can get how it can be a thing of making sure your time isn't being wasted.

Manuel: Yeah. And it's about building a legacy and it's about wanting to //  build on that artistry and that you can do it with other people. 

Ashlea: So it really is about the power of community and creating a legacy. Is this how drag houses function? 

Manuel: Yeah, I think you'll find that in a lot of the houses. I think the distinction is when you become someone's drag kid // or choose to be someone's drag mother, there is some sense of expectation already built into it. Right? So you already know that you're going in because you both want something out of this relationship. And part of it is becoming a better drag queen and really exceeding. So I know  for a fact that a lot of the Queens, what they do as part of their mothering is really help in that kind of professional area. So some of them will host nights in bars and they'll employ, or they'll bring in, or they'll spotlight or showcase their kids, or they'll come up with a show and it'll be a showcase of the entire family. Because what they really want to be doing is propping each other up. And I think that's essential to drag motherhood and that it's in many ways that can be the really guiding principle.

mux in

Manuel: I know, and some of the queens would say, “I call my kids every day and be like, so what are you doing? How are you improving this? Did you see your tape from the other night? Okay. How are you going to improve that? You know, I know that your makeup did this.” Others would call when they would see Instagram posts and be like, “You need to take that down because you do not look good. And if you do not look. I do not look good. ///So let's work on that. I can help you. Let me get you better lighting. Let me get you better makeup.” So it's a sense of there's an investment in another, and that is also an investment in themselves. And so it does feel a little bit like tough love sometimes, and it sounds both terrifying, but also really energizing.

Mux beat 

Ashlea: We'll have more after the break. 

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Break 1

Ashlea: So Manuel, drag culture has become mainstream. We see it in shows like Pose or RuPaul's Drag Race, but how accurately do those shows depict drag mothers? The houses, the sons, the whole culture? 

Manuel: Yeah, I think this is a good moment to make a distinction // cause I think when we're talking about ballroom houses and when we're talking about drag mothers. //  The way that I've been trying to think about it is they’re two constellations in this like queer sky or queer firmament and they may share stars, and they may share certain sensibilities, but they're two distinct things. // So, to become, or to be a ballroom mother, it means that you are legendary. It means that you have won categories that you've been in this community and culture for years. And sort of, you have been elevated to front, or to lead a house, which is what we see in the show Pose, for example, with mother Blanca, who leads the House of Extravaganza. 

Pose tape (FB): Award for mother of the year, goes to my sister Blanca .

Manuel: Drag mothers are a little bit different in the sense that there's a less of an institutionalized kind of hierarchy. //  As with Rhea’s story, or Calypso story or Metaworld’s story,  sometimes it's a little bit more happenstance. Sometimes there's less of a power dynamic. So even though they share sensibilities, and I think even though the, mothering may very much is coming from the same place of really giving space to queer kids who need that support and who need that nurturing and that mothering and that shoulder to cry on. And that maybe quite literally may need a mother // because they may have fraught relationships with their own families. There is, I think, a distinction to be made, between a drag mother and a ballroom mother. I think Calypso then ends up being a perfect example.

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Calypso: So my type of parenting is, I'm very loving, caring. For example, like all my drag kids have same for me and my personal kids and my ballroom kids. 

Manuel: So sometimes the Queens would talk to me about their drag kids and their non-drag kids or their nightlife kids or their ballroom kids. And so they did make sort of these distinctions.

Calypso: Like, I mother not only like drag kids, but, like, I have like seven personal kids who are LGBTQ and then like 28 ballroom kids that I'm a mother of. So my parenting isn’t very cutthroat, very loving, caring, ‘cause a lot of them come to me from, like, damaged homes or they don't have nobody to talk to. So I'm always, never judgmental. Always tell them, don't lie to me. We make everything fine. I'll get you out of a situation.

Manuel: There are people who shuttle between these two worlds, because they are that distinct. But I think when it comes to the specifics of the skills that a //  drag mother would be teaching the drag kid, they're very different from the mentorship that they'd be offering a ballroom child, in the sense of maybe it's different makeup and obviously it's different kind of performative skills, right? Like a duck walk or voguing, they may not be being used as much when you're teaching or mentoring a drag kid. But the mothering at the center of it all and the way they held them accountable and the way they talk to them every day and smothered them even with their love or with their affection is very similar.

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Ashlea: So drag motherhood can be defined as nurturing and fostering drag kids. It can be mentoring Queens and ballroom performance, or just general mentorship and support. So what does being a drag mother really mean? Is it more of an umbrella term? 

Manuel: Yeah, this was the thing for me talking with all of thes drag mothers because // all I kept trying to do was narrow down that definition. It was like, okay, so if I were to talk about a drag mother, what that is in every single conversation, what they did was they exploded what that would mean. A lot of them were not really invested in just taking what we think of as a “mother” and then doing it for queer kids. So I'm someone who tells you what you need to do, and what you're doing right, and what you're doing wrong and I'm going to chastise you, but I'm also going to encourage you, or I'm going to be here if you need some money or if you need a couch and some of them do offer that. And like it's very central, so it feels like identifiable as like someone who's a mother.

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Rhea: I am on the phone with each of my kids every day at least once, we talk about everything. We take them on family trips, our latest family trip, I took them all to a big party in Palm Springs. En vougue was performing and I brought all the kids. We got us two suites and we, like, just had, like, a very family moment. We have family house meetings where we sit and we talk about our projects for the month. And help each other, like if someone's releasing a song, what venues are they going to perform at? I really want to make sure that whatever they're doing, I'm getting them the knowledge of my capabilities, you know. I want to give them everything that I can to help them thrive.

Manuel: But I think the fluidity of these relationships is something that really took me aback and really, left me in awe of all of these queens. And they're like, they really don't want to think of a mother as someone who lords or someone else.

Metaworld Piss: I'm the proprietor, and they know their roles. Ha. But there’s also, like, a blurred line between like the kid aspect, because I do like, outside of the hierarchy, like respect them as people. So, like, also allow them to make their own choices. I’ll be, like, pesky about like, my input about it, but at the end of the day, like I know that I can't control them cause they're so wild and I'm so wild. So like, I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. 

Manuel: So there's no sense of hierarchy or power dynamic, mostly. Again, I don't want to speak for all drag mothers. But there is a sense that the relationship really goes both ways. So a lot of these queens talked about how, as much as they imparted wisdom on their children, they were constantly learning from their kids about themselves, about the world, and that kind of like back and forth and this sort of, like horizontal dynamic felt novel to me.

Calypso: It has taught me how to interact with different people, because they all have like different personalities and different backgrounds and different things that they come from. So like, it gives me more insight into analyzing situations and problems and stuff. From a logical standpoint with the facts and everything versus just like bumping heads. It also has shown me that like there's people who support me because, like, three years ago I started my transition and I finally got time for myself. And like, they've been very supportive of me and they've shown me like that. Like I don’t want to say motherly love…childly love?

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Manuel: These relationships could shift and change. So a couple of them talked about how they used to have a drag mother, but now they have someone else or they used to be // someone's drag kid, but now they're a drag mother. So there's a kind of a lineage being created that is continually reinventing itself. And it's constantly trying to break the trauma bonds that many people come with, from their own biological families. So there is a really conscious choice to be the most positive version of a mother that anyone could ever hope for. And always aspiring to that kind of // utopia and knowing that there is a kind of unconditional love that you can find in a found family and what we might think of as this chosen family.

Calypso: I honestly give up a lot, all of my time and resources and everything to them. Like I made sure, like, they would eat before I eat. I made sure, like, they're always, like, taken care of anytime we go somewhere. A lot of my money that I make from performing goes to them, like I always put it back into them and the things they want to do and the things they need. I can be,  like, loud at times… but I've never told them anything to hurt them. It’s more so I give them constructive criticism and I'm very big, and especially when it comes to performing in your art and your craft. Because I've been doing this for so long. And I know a lot of times you meet people who aren't going to tell you like the honest truth, 

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Calypso: but I want to always be honest with them. So when they get in those situations, they don't, they won't, like, gag and go, “Oh my God, what's going on?”

Ashlea: Coming up, the legacy of drag.

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Break 2

Ashlea: Manuel,  you've brought up lineage a few times. Could you talk to me about why lineage and legacy and drag culture are important?

Manuel: Yeah, as I found writing this piece, the history of drag is not written in books– yet. A couple of people were sort-of doing it right now. // But for the longest time, the artistry of drag //  was passed down via these relationships, right? Makeup tips, before there was YouTube. And before you could just Google something and be able to find it on the web. You had to know someone who could teach you how to do that thing with your eye, how to do that thing with your lashes, how to do that thing with your wig. And that was passed orally and it was passed from people who really trusted in one another, If I've spent years perfecting this one lip-sync song or this one lip, or this costume reveal. I'm obviously not going to give that to anyone. I'm only going to give that to someone who I trust, someone who I believe in, someone who I know is going to be worthy // of that knowledge. And so in that sense, these relationships with drag mothers, to their drag kids, have been a way of keeping that kind of drag artistry alive, in a very //  lived- in kind of way. Again, it's the kind of lineage and kind of legacy that can sometimes escape historians. It can sometimes escape even us regular folk who are not really within that community. But as soon as you step back and you start seeing, oh, of course the Colby house does this, or the Litre house does that, or the Edward's house does this… then you start seeing that this is how information gets passed on, and this is how names get made. And this is how // legacies get created and built on. And it is one of those things that really left me enamored with the fact that these relationships are still being created and nurtured. And so that, even if we do have that kind of knowledge out in the world, in the internet, in YouTube videos or in // recorded performances, that /// the passing it on from person to person, I think still has and holds a lot of value.

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Rhea: Our house is very different than a lot of these other houses here in LA. It's actually a family. A lot of these families just vogue together or a lot of them are just like nightclub houses that throw parties. Our family is very encompassed and fueled by emotion and passion for what we do and what we do for each other. And I think that's what's kept us really, really strong and tight.

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Ashlea: And these LA Queens are creating spaces for their children to thrive in. They are essentially investing so much of their time and it just makes me think back to my own mother, using all of her time and energy to create a better future for me and my siblings. How do these drag mothers feel giving all of themselves to others?

Manuel: Some of them love it. Some of them truly, they would say I may not have that much in my bank account, but if I can help my one kid, I will do it. And I know that I shouldn't, I know that I should take time. I didn't know that I should put myself first and I know that self care and all of the stuff, but… 

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Calypso: I think like, “No, no, no, no. This is not about me at the moment.” I feel like I'm young, but I feel like I'm old at the same time. I feel like I make time for things that I want to do. But then at the end of the day, I'd be like, I see them and I see like their futures coming up and be like, I appreciate and I cherish making time for them so they could get what they need done off the row. ‘Cause when I see them thrive, that makes me thrive.

Manuel: That is drag motherhood. It's like this is a choice that you're making. And I think this is also what makes it very different from, being a quote unquote, biological mother, like the mother that raises you or however we want to like really think about that label is that this is a conscious choice to mother an adult, which I think is very different than mothering a child or mothering a teenager. But mothering an adult who is already their own person, but understanding that you're choosing to put them first, and that in itself is something you value. And so that kind of unconditional love that can and does sometimes break you, is very central to a lot of the queens that I talked to and… that just really warmed my heart in knowing that's someone who really doesn't need to, or who maybe sometimes can't even afford to, will still make that choice. 

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Ashlea: Now I love this aspect of these relationships the Queens are creating. But we also have to recognize raising any family that has siblings, in which case all these queens have multiple children, there's that reality, that siblings fight. There's rivalries. How do some of the drag moms you talked to handle that part of family life? 

Manuel: It sounds like they handle it the same way our mothers handle it, which is sometimes they have to put people on the spot. Rhea talked about how sometimes //  they do these like retreats with their entire family and they were saying sometimes there's like sibling fighting and I have to be like, “Hey, no, we're not having any of that.”

Rhea: I think this is a small instance of like, what I deal with, with these kids, they're constantly fighting with each other, I'm constantly putting them back together and honestly, it makes me so happy and it makes me smile so hard to see how they fight. cause I'm like they fucking care about each other. They literally fight like brothers and sisters. And it just, it just gives me a sense of accomplishment, with my family. Because of how close everyone is.

Manuel: And I just had, like, flashbacks to being in, like, road trips with my own family. And then my mom turning to me and be ,like, “You and your sister and your brother need to stop fighting, or I'm going to turn this car around.”

Ashlea: Yeah, my mom still has to say that to me and my siblings to this day when we all get around each other.

Manuel: So it sounds like there's a lot of the same thing. But the thing that Rhea kept stressing was like, even if they're being petty and even if they're //  getting  on each other's nerves, it means we're a family. Which I think was a fascinating way of turning that around because I'm like, I think sometimes when we see siblings fighting, they're like, oh, what a dysfunctional family and for Rhea was like, no, this is just what families do. There's going to be drama. We just need to navigate around it and just understand that even the drama and even the rivalry and the pettiness and the fighting. It's also coming from a place of love. I just found that the twisting of what we think of as a family and when we think of as siblings or we think of as motherhood // and constantly turning around and be like, oh yeah, that is a, there's a queer way of looking at it and you're on a queer way of valuing it.

Ashlea: Lastly, Manuel, what do you want to make sure people understand, or remember when it comes to these drag moms and drag families that you've gotten to know through your reporting?

Manuel: People should sort of understand the importance of chosen families. I think sometimes when we talk about them and even when we have to put the modifiers of like chosen or found families, it can feel like a replacement or it can feel like an alternative and it can feel like secondary to how we think of as families. And I think one of the things that I would like people to take away, when thinking about drag motherhood or thinking about drag families, is that sometimes it's not a replacement and it's something that…for some kids, this is all they have, and this is their family. And they would not put any modifier on it and they would not put any qualifier on it.

Bring mux in under (qualifier)

Manuel: And they would actually say that they are prouder to be part of these families and part of these very intentional bonds that they're creating with other queer folks in their own community. And that, that there is a beauty and that we should be celebrating it. And we should not be thinking about it as less than, or a sort of, a temporary replacement for something that is natural or something that is normal. But that we can center them and that we can make them the norm. And that we can really think about how it is that we are creating bonds with one another, with intention.

Rhea: I know that my purpose in this world is to connect and bring people to their full potential, because I know that's what brings me the most happiness.

Ashlea: Manuel, thanks so much for this conversation and thanks to the queens for sharing their stories. 

Manuel: No, thank you for having me. And I'll reiterate that again: thank you to all the queens who shared your stories // with me. And I'll say to that is, all hail the queens! 

Break 3

OUTRO

Ashlea: And that's it for this episode of THE TIMES, daily news from the LA Times. Myself and David Toledo were the jefes of this episode. Our show is produced by Shannon Linn, Denise Guerra, Kasia Brousallian, David Toledo, Ashlea Brown, Angel Carreras and Suyra Hendry. Our engineers are Mario Diaz, Mike Heflin and Mark Nieto. Our editor is Kinsee Morlan. Our executive producers are Jazmin Aguilerra and Shani Hilton. And our theme music is by Andrew Eappen. Like what you're listening to? Then make sure to follow the times on whatever platform you use. Gustavo will be back Monday with all the news and this desmadre. Gracias.